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Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
3:05 pm
Its been over 5 years..
And yet I can't forget her.. not that I would ever want to. It would just be easier to live.

I see her face every time I leave my apartment, I smell her perfume in the wind on my walks at night, and her memory still haunts my dreams and makes my life the nightmare I wake up to. I don't like to sleep, even after all these years. I just hate waking up from dreams of her.

Her parents never liked me, I wasn't whatever racial type you call a gypsy and they hated the fact her father married outside it, so it was terrible to them that she do as well. I was also from a poor family with no 'old money', so to them I was bottom of the barrel. They hated me for there daughters love of me, and when she died they made sure I had nothing of hers they could exact control over. All I have are a few books and a few items of clothing she left mixed in with mine.. I wasn't even allowed to keep a picture of her.

They even denied me the right to say goodbye. Private ceremony hidden from the public, myself included. They being rich, they paid for everything easy enough, and the family names where wide and varied. I wasn't even allowed to identify the body. She gave me so much, and her parents took so much more away. I tried to find her grave once, using all the data and technical skill I have.. nothing.

She was 3 and a half months pregnant when she died, stressed from hormones and needing a night out. I remember we had a big list of things to do around the house, and her, her girlfriend, and I each had a list of chores.. but she needed to relax so much and I hated seeing her unhappy.. I had the power to say 'no I am sorry you cant cant go out tonight we have stuff to do', but I loved her too much to let her suffer. I could have saved her but I didn't. So technically, it's my fault she died.

The last memory I have of her is of her and her girlfriend going out the door happy at the chance to go out and relax as girls. I remember the smiles and the hurried 'ok where going now, love you be back tonight', and I remember sighing and looking at three lists of chores and wondering what I should start on first as they drove away. Thats it, I thought I would see her like she said.

I was washing the dishes when I found out she died. I don't do dishes anymore; plastic spoons and forks are free at McDonald's if you buy something off the dollar menu, and paper plates can be recycled. Gatorade bottles are there own cups.

I don't like thinking about this. The idea that if I cry I'm less of a man is so firmly drilled into my head I haven't let it out in a long time. I have lived with this for over 5 years, mostly as a hermit with the odd girlfriend if a woman lands in my lap. I know she would want me to be happy, but no one I have found compares to her, and I don't want to replace her anyway. I still love her to much for that.

So I'm starting this group instead. I can only hope that by helping others, I can help myself.

Current Mood: lonely
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